Toxic Relationships and How to Leave
Toxic Relationships are defined as an unhealthy relationship between two people where disrespect, lack of appropriate communication, dishonesty, controlling behaviors, and possibly abusive behavior that result in continued unhappiness by one or both people.
Toxic Relationships typically do not start out as toxic. In fact, most relationships that end in toxicity begin with an intense spark and connection. Many people report when first meeting this person, that they felt seen and heard for the first time in their lives and feel that they have “known this person their entire lives.”
This sense of “knowing this person” comes from unconscious ideas and behaviors you may have experienced as a child and increases the intensity of the relationship. While most people do not display overly controlling and problematic behaviors initially, these behaviors will become apparent after the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship. Unfortunately, by this point in the relationship, the partners have an intense attachment to each other thus making it more difficult to leave the relationship. Some couples may experience a “trauma bond.” A “trauma bond” is an unhealthy attachment where cycles of abuse. These bonds and relationships typically follow a pattern of increased tension, followed by abuse of some kind, then followed by a “honeymoon” stage where the toxic and abusive partner tries to apologize and make amends for their actions. Trauma bonds are seen in most abusive relationships and in some toxic relationships.
So how do you get out of a toxic relationship? The first step is to identify that you are, in fact, in a toxic relationship by looking for red flags and characteristics of toxic relationships. Ask yourself the following:
- Your needs are not being met.
- You are scared to ask more from your partner.
- Your friends and family do not support your relationship.
- You feel obligated and/or are scared to leave your partner.
- You do not like your partner or how they make you feel.
- You do not like who you are when you are with your partner.
- Your partner is abusive.
Once you have determined that you are in a toxic relationship and depending on the severity of toxicity, seeking support can be one of the best options. Contact friends, family members, and other support systems to provide you with emotional and physical help while you evaluate your options. With your support in place, make the decision to leave and stick to it. Leaving a toxic relationship is hard. People typically feel sadness, anger, fear, insecurity, and ambivalence about their decision. However, if a person knows the relationship is toxic, remaining firm in your decision to end the relationship is helpful. Cut off all contact with your partner, unfollow them on all social media, and focus on your own needs rather than the needs of your toxic partner. Remembering that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. If you are fearful for your safety, you can call 911 or the non-emergency phone number, and they can direct you on how to obtain a protective order that states that your toxic partner may not come within a certain amount of feet of you. Also, seeking professional help can assist you in this transition. Seeing a therapist does not mean that something is wrong with you but rather means that you recognize that the relationship is unhealthy and you are taking action to ensure that you break any of your own patterns so you do not enter another toxic relationship or return to your past relationship.
Remember, you deserve to feel safe, secure and receive love that does not hurt.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 800-799-7233
House of Ruth Domestic Violence Shelter/Legal Advocate 410-889-7884
