Managing Thanksgiving Holiday Stress
The holiday season is here, bringing both joy and familiar stressors. Whether you’re cleaning, cooking, and hosting, or packing, traveling, and visiting, the demands can be overwhelming. This year, Thanksgiving follows a particularly tense election season. No matter who you supported, there’s a good chance someone at your table voted differently. Without careful handling, political differences can turn a shared meal into a tense gathering.
That’s where DBT—Dialectical Behavior Therapy—can help. Created by Dr. Marcia Linehan, this well-researched approach to psychotherapy focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. These skills can help you enjoy your holiday without unnecessary conflict.
Knowing Your Priority in a Conversation
DBT teaches that most interactions center on one of three priorities. Identifying which matters most in the moment can help you guide the discussion and protect your peace.
Ask yourself: How important is it to…
- Get what you want?
- Keep the relationship?
- Maintain your self-respect?
While we can’t always achieve all three, we can choose at least one as our focus.
1. If Your Goal Is to Get What You Want
This means being assertive in having your rights respected and your wishes met. For example, if a guest claims that anyone who voted for your candidate is ignorant, or uses racial slurs to describe the president, DBT suggests a clear, respectful approach:
- Describe: “You are implying that I am uneducated and uninformed, and you’re doing so in front of my children.”
- Express: “Please refrain from using labels that hurt my feelings and are disrespectful to me.”
- Assert: “I’d like us to have a civilized discussion about this, or change the subject.”
- Reinforce: “We will have a more pleasant meal and better memories of this holiday if we show respect for each other.”
Repeat as needed. If it doesn’t work, you may decide to shift your goal to maintaining self-respect.
2. If Your Goal Is to Keep the Relationship
Sometimes, preserving a relationship is more important than addressing every offensive comment. In this case, you might choose to ignore the remark and discuss it with your children later:
“Kids, Grandpa has strong opinions, and I didn’t like some of what he said tonight. But I prefer to stay peaceful during the rare times we see each other. Letting a comment go without a response can sometimes make it lose power. He isn’t going to change, and I’d like to get along with the only father I have.”
This approach can protect family harmony, even if it means letting certain remarks pass in the moment.
3. If Your Goal Is to Maintain Self-Respect
If you believe the person won’t change their behavior and the relationship isn’t a priority, self-respect may come first. This could mean standing your ground:
“Uncle Joe, I find your political views and actions deeply offensive. People who think the way you do are normally not welcome in my home. I can’t tolerate racial slurs from you or anyone else. Please apologize. Otherwise, we’ll be happy to call you a cab.”
While this is an extreme example, it shows the value of knowing all your options before deciding how to respond.
Staying Mindful Through the Holiday
No matter which goal you choose, mindfulness can help you stay calm and in control. Take a breath before reacting. Notice your emotions without judgment. Choose the response that aligns with your values and the outcome you want.
DBT offers many tools for navigating difficult conversations and managing emotions. If you’d like more strategies, the team at Olney Psychiatric and Counseling Center can help.
From this author and the rest of our staff, here’s hoping your turkey is moist, your Grandpa is open-minded and your Uncle Joe has an Uber app on his phone!
