With the holiday time upon us, we are pulled in several directions, from holiday parties, to baking, to having friends and family over, all the while juggling our jobs, kids, and relationships. So why are the holidays such a stressful time?
Many of us over commit, overindulge, and over EVERYTHING to make sure that those around us are happy and healthy. The problem with this approach is that when we do not set limits, we begin to feel overwhelmed, resentful and at times angry. Setting limits and boundaries is an effective way to manage our emotions and to set realistic expectations for all.
Here’s how to set boundaries with family during the holiday season.
What are boundaries? Boundaries are invisible lines that we place around ourselves that communicate to ourselves and others what is Ok with us and what is not OK with us. Effective boundaries are ever evolving and changing depending on the situation with the core limit being what is appropriate for me and what is not. Boundaries build TRUST. Nonexistent, lose or rigid boundaries decrease trust. Boundaries can come in many forms, including physical, mental, emotional, financial, moral, sexual, and spiritual. Our parents have taught us about boundaries whether they realized it or not. For example, if a teenager sees his mother saying “yes” to several commitments despite feeling overwhelmed, she may inadvertently teach the teenager that saying “no” can be seen as rude, unkind, or not caring of others. On the other hand, another mother who “always says no” to events may be teaching her children that rigid, inflexible boundaries are a better way to set limits.
I think that Brene’ Brown explains boundaries in a clear and easy to understand how to evaluate a situation and when to apply limits and boundaries…..she calls this BRAVING. BRAVING is described as:
B Boundaries-without boundaries there is no trust; must have appropriate limits
R Reliability-I can only trust you if you consistently do what you say
A Accountability- I can only trust you when you 1) own it 2) apologize for it 3) make amends
V Vault-I will keep what you say in confidence; I will not share other people’s stories
I Integrity- Choose 1) courage over comfort 2) what is right over what is fun, fast, & easy 3) practicing values not just professing values
N Non-judgement- Must be reciprocal and non-judgement towards other and self; cannot judge self for something and not judge others for the same
G Generosity-Assume the most generous words, intentions & behaviors and check in with me
It’s important to learn how to set boundaries with your family during the holidays. So, before you go into the holiday season, ask yourself if saying “yes” to the situation leads to BRAVING or breaking. Your friends and family will thank you for changing your approach and increasing their trust in what is OK with you and what is not OK with you.
